::wonder and letting go::
Days 4 and 5 reverb10:Day 4 Prompt: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
Day 5 Prompt: Let go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
I skipped day four because the prompt wasn’t inspiring me enough and because I wanted to watch a movie with my family instead of finding my thinking cap. Imagine my delight to discover a connection between the prompt I received today and yesterday’s. Consider me caught up!
The world of wonder is a part of my every day by virtue of living with two young children. The questions are becoming more thoughtful and we’re running to google, wikipedia and imbd more often. One of my recent favorites is discovering the first dog to have lived in the White House. (John Adams had a dog named Satan. Satan in the White House- I love it.) Aside from my kids’ thoughts passing through, my mind is naturally very active. I cultivate that by inputing more information through varying my experiences, reading, browsing stores that fill my creative side with texture, color and design, follwing links on the internet, and talking with interesting people.
Wonder is alive in me. I’m always wondering about a conversation I had or overheard, wondering what in her day has made the meat counter woman so cranky (is it the blood on her apron or did she just come from visiting her sick mom?), wondering how I can use the deals from the Travelzoo newsletter that landed in my inbox (what’s my budget and calendar look like?), wondering how long it will take for the carpet to wear out and what replacement I’d make (it’ll be a while before I can justify hardwoods), wondering what gifts would be best for Christmas (any ideas?), wondering if I should undersaturate a photo or add some light (both! then learn about shooting in RAW and applying actions), wondering how I can help someone (care package, soup kitchen or run a charity?), wondering about the life of the shells on the beach (how cold was the water and where?), wondering what would happen if I did a hundred push-ups (will I be able to move from the floor? ever?), wondering, wondering, wondering. All.the.time. It truly doesn’t stop and I have found myself fretting at the passing of time with the realization that I will never be able to do all of the things I wonder about. There simply isn’t enough time so now I’ve decided to believe in re-incarnation to give myself some peace that I’ll get another chance. Now I know there are lots of holes in that idea, but keeping the simple thought that my soul will get more time to do more stuff is working for me.
This year my wonderment was kicked up even higher when I let go of the idea of permanence. That’s a Buddah Board I’m playing with in our art loft to practice living in the moment. It’s not that I’ve ever thought that things always stay the same. This too shall pass can be a mother’s mantra and I’ve lived long enough to know that change is constant. I like that and I tend to seek out new ideas and new places to be. However, expanding the idea of impermance to making decisions is a completely new thought-pattern. This year I’ve let go of the idea if I try hard enough I won’t have to or want to make a particular choice again. Most courses can be re-charted and likely will. Some can be difficult and take serious commitment but backing up, pulling a three-point turn or shifting into a higher gear are all options. I’ve found myself letting go of staying attached to people, situations or ideas that aren’t serving me anymore simply because it was once a good idea. I’ve found myself embracing my contradictions and finding ways to satisfy each of my divergent interests rather than trying to choose.
Everything is in a state of flux, always. With the ability to open to the possibility of impermance, my wonder can now lead to more direct action more of the time. It brings flexibility and agility to my thoughts. My best example of this is my recent strong longing to move out of California. There are a few factors but one of the them is that I miss seasonal change. My first thought is to wonder about where we could move and how that could work. But I’m held back because there are unique things that I like about where I live and so does the rest of my family. Instead of feeling stuck between choosing one or the other and being a little unhappy either way, I’ve decided to let go of my attachment to either idea and the feeling that whatever I choose has to be right because it’s permanent. Why not a gradual transition? Or a long-term vacation? Or my favorite: wondering what it would be like to have two places to call home, traveling between them as suits our needs. Oh, the wondering! It’s amazing how liberating it is to let go of the idea that I must choose and that the idea is irreversible. I’ve used this way of thinking so much with my kids and parenting them but applying it to my own bigger thoughts like living arrangements and how I spend my time is new for me. So much more occupies the space between here a n d there and that is a wonderful place to live.
Another way of how I’ve practiced impermanance is by cleaning out closets. Holding onto things “just in case” doesn’t serve exploration of possibilities. It might make me feel secure knowing that I will always have something. However, if I don’t ever have to acquire something because I already have it, that closes doors to what else I might find that might suit me better at that time. See how that is a trap? Even though I haven’t worn them in a decade I was still attached to business suits in my closet and projects, reports, resumes and paperwork from my corporate life. That keeps me stuck in some ways, hanging on to a life that was just a blip on the map, trying to preserve a time, reminding myself of what was. A few months ago I shredded all of the paper and dumped it in our compost bin. Fertilizer to feed the life in my yard. Rather than dropping them off at a thrift shop, I’m looking for a women’s shelter or job training program that can use my suits. (No luck so far so if anyone knows of someone in need who could use them, please let me know.) Not having a suit is not a permanent situation. If I need one, I can get another one. I believe that my needs will always be met. Now I can fill my space with more jeans and sweaters so I don’t have to do laundry so often and that makes my life easier today. Or I can choose to not replace and have less to maintain and less clutter in the way.
I simply don’t want to hold on to old things and ideas and thought patterns. Clearing it all out is, well, cleansing. It’s expansive and leads the way to more wonder- what can I do next now that I have all of this physical/mental/spiritual room to maneuver? The answer is so much more. Choices! Possibilities! Life! I don’t believe I’ve felt more productive and satisfied in my life. I’m expecting the same in my next one…:)
